Hey hey hey. The Sarah is back to answer your questions with another round of Ask The Sarah!

Dear Sarah,

When will I finally get to eat mac and cheese in quiteness, with out son finding my hidden body eating it??? ---The Cheese Wonder'er, Orlando

Dear Cheese Wonder'er,

Listen. This is Ask THE Sarah. The Sarah is not just some plain "Sarah." Ugh. When you show The Sarah the respect she deserves, The Sarah will answer your question!!!

*sigh* The Sarah will answer your question. The Sarah is a good person and does not want to lose an adoring fan. JUST BE CAREFUL NEXT TIME! Anyway Cheese, in regards to your problem, I would suggest you start to smell like chores and relative he doesn't like. This will scare the kid away. Good luck.

dear the sarah,

i have a problem that i was hoping you could help me with. you see, i don't have much money and so i have to turn tricks in order to make a living and keep my fat husband's belly full of beer and nachos. the only thing is, i have a pimp and i'm starting to fall in love with him. yeah, he blackens my eye when i don't bring enough back to the cadillac and he forces me to have wire hanger abortions (sometimes with crochet hooks), but it's love, i tells ya! what do i do about my husband? who is going to keep his belly full if i up and leave the trailer?--- sincerely yours, hopelessly pathetic.

Dear Hopelessly Pathetic,

The Sarah thinks you should run away with your pimp if you think it is love. As for your husband, The Sarah suggests you send him nachos through the mail. The Sarah bets he won't even notice you are gone. The Sarah hopes you and your pimp are very happy together! Here's to many healthy feisty little ones that you will destroy with wire hangers!

Dear The Sarah,

do u have n-e petz?---Brittany, Springfield, MO

Dear Brittany,

The Sarah does not have any loyal companions as of late. The Sarah feels animals should run free. Take tigers for instance. They shouldn't be kept in zoos. They should be prowling the streets, devouring girls that spell any "n-e." Thanks for quasi-writing, Brittany.

Dear The Sarah,

My mum doesn't like the fact that I like sheep more than girls. She, like all the other girls, doesn't understand me. No one understands me. Can you help?---Nigel, UK

Dear Nigel,

As The Sarah stated in the letter above, The Sarah feels animals should roam free. Not being violated by some guy who can't talk to other humans. The Sarah suggests you try cyber sex. That way, you will get your satisfaction, and your mum won't be as upset with you.

Dear The Sarah,

My husband and I are expecting our first child in May. The problem is, we can't agree on a name. I want to name the baby Norb, while he is set on Hanes. How can we solve this problem?---Arguing Over The Name, Columbus

Dear Arguing Over The Name,

For God's sake, if you are serious, then The Sarah suggests getting an abortion and never reproducing again. Hanes. For God's sake. He's not underwear!!!

Dear The Sarah,

I hurd you like tha Yankees. If this is true, you ah wicked stoopid. I will drive from Hahvahd in my cah to KICK YOUR ASS! Then I will display your thoroughly kicked ass in mah yahd, and my buddies and I will laugh at it while watching tha mighty Red Sox beat yar precious Yankees and drinking lots uh beer. We will break the curse this year! HOW DO YA LIKE THEM APPLES?!---Red Sox Rule!, Bahstin

Dear Red Sox Rule!,

Yo, me and my brother Johnny will totally take you on! Your mutha is a terrible cook! I bet your belly is really as yellow as a taxi cab!! Me and everyone else I know is gonna BUST YOUR FREAKIN' SKULL. Fuhgeddaboutit.

Dear The Sarah,

I am having trouble deciding between my wife and dog. My wife gives me sex and I made vows to her, but I met my dog first. Please help.---Troubled, Idaho

Dear The Sarah,

Does The Sarah look like a freakin vet to you people? Why is The Sarah getting so many letters about animals?? The Sarah is too mad to go on. So until next time, keep sending The Sarah your questions. Unless they involve animals.

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