It's time for Ask The Sarah.

You may be sitting there, asking yourself: what is Ask The Sarah? And why is that dumbass, but sure as hell sexy, Sarah putting a 'The' in front of her name?

The Sarah is not the Sarah you have come to know and love. The Sarah is the coolest aspects of her personality rolled into one brand new alter ego. This personality is so different she needs to distinguish herself by calling herself The Sarah. The Sarah talks in a voice similar to that of The Fonz. She doesn't walk. She struts. She is awesome beyond all comprehension, so don't try to analyze it too much.

The Sarah has decided to start an advice column to help those out there not nearly as awesome in their attempt to become almost close to being near as awesome as The Sarah is. The Sarah is excited to answer your questions.

Dear The Sarah,

I am a thirteen year old girl. I tell everyone who doesn't go to school with me that I am popular, but that is a lie. I really want to be popular tho[sic-as if The Sarah would ever make a mistake]. How can I become as awesome as you?---Wishing She Was Popular, Portland.

Dear Wishing,

Sorry, but you will never be as awesome as The Sarah. You will never even come close. You should try to set a more realistic goal, like being as awesome as...The Hulk. There's another character with a "The" in front of his name. Anyway Wishing, this is what you get for lying. The Sarah does not approve of lying. I hope everyone finds out.

Dear The Sarah,

I came to the realization that I was gay a couple of months ago. This has been killing me, because my parents are uber conservative. I don't want to lose my close relationship with them. What is the best way to come out of the closet? Or should I not do it at all?---In The Closet, Detroit.

Dear In The Closet,

This is not as hard as you're making it out to be. Just tell your parents that The Sarah approves of homosexuals. Since everyone wants to be like The Sarah, they will be totally okay with it. In fact, since you get The Sarah seal of approval, they'll probably like you more. Dang, are all these questions going to be this easy? NEXT!

Dear The Sarah,

Ever since my mom died of cancer, my dad has been really depressed. I think he needs a new wife. Can you help?---Jonah Sleepless in Seattle

Dear Sleepless,

The fuck? Have you written before? Why does this sound so familiar? Anyway Sleepless, maybe your dad would reach more women if a movie was made about his situation. He could be played by Peter Scolari or something.

Dear The Sarah,

I am a professional athlete. Since I am hot and rich and famous, I can get any woman I want. But it is empty because the only woman I want is you. So what do you say? Can we have some hot animal sex? I'll do whatever it takes.---Derek Jeter Shortstop That Wants Only You, The Bronx.

Dear Shortstop,

No matter who you are or what you will do, the fact is we wouldn't work because The Sarah is just too damn awesome for you. However, if you send me a nude picture and lots of money/pizza/pencil shavings, I may point a finger gun in your general direction if you are ever lucky enough to be near The Sarah. Thanks for writing though.

Dear The Sarah,

I have been married to my husband for 15 years. He beats me and cheats on me, but I still love him. Lately, I feel like the love is slipping away from our marriage. What can I do to spice things up?---At A Stalemate, Austin.

Dear Stalemate,

Sorry, but there obviously isn't any helping you.

Dear The Sarah,

are you jesus?---Wondering, San Diego

Dear Wondering,

No silly. Of course not. This is. Duh.

Dear The Sarah,

My girlfriend left me. I don't know how to get over her. She was my one true love. Come to think of it, she was the only girlfriend I've ever had. It has been sixteen years. What can I do?! Please help.---In Mom's Basement, Boston.

Dear In Mom's Basement,

HOLY CRAP! You are creeping The Sarah out. Maybe you could find a girlfriend at your local insane asylum. The Sarah would suggest trying there. Tell them your situation, and they'll help you.

Dear The Sarah,

i love you.---fhqwhgadshgnsdhjsdbkhsdabkfabkveybvf

Dear fhqwhgads,

Look, it didn't work when you did it with Strong Bad, it's not gonna work with me. I understand your desire to get with awesome people, but we are just too awesome for you. Try someone outside the internet. How about you and Sleepless in Seattle's dad hook up?

Well everyone, The Sarah is pooped. Until next time, keep sending in those questions, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.

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